SCREENPLAY SINK HOLE

THE POWER OF NEGATIVE THINKING

2011-12-16T23:35:00.000-08:00

Some doodles by my sweet, talented 12 year-old daughter after she watched Orphan... over and over and over and over again.

YES! I'm back. Don't ask for how long. The seal hunt is just about to get started and I'm sharpening my sling-blade and varnishing my club -- triple-coat this time!

Oh, stop with the tree-hugger indignation. It's how we earn our living out here in Newfoundland and, besides, it's wonderful quality time with the kids. They learn so much about nature and vivisection.

I'm in such a positive mood today! Nothing and no one can rain on my parade! I'm on top of the world! FLYING! Leaping from mountain peak to mountain peak! SOARING through the great blue firmament! DIVING, head-first, into the clear, crisp void!

These antidepressants sure work good! Yeah baby!

Let's come down to earth a little, shall we?

I came across an article on Oprah's website (Man, she can do anything, or what!?) about the power of negative thinking.

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Defensive-Pessimism-How-Negative-Thinking-Can-Pay-Off

Yeah, right.

Like, that's all I need, to add more wet blankets over my already bleak brain functions.

Anyway, somewhere in that article, I have been reassured, is a beneficial effect. Something to do with dialectics, doublethink, cynicism, and a good old-fashioned mind-fuck.

Enough said, even if it's NEVER ENOUGH. You dream and sweat and hope and yearn and develop an ugly rash in your armpit that's makes you pause and say, "Oh fuck. Now, what IS that?" as you chase that elusive Holy Grail -- that screenplay that gnaws at your insides demanding to burst out of your subconscious and spread its butterfly wings so it may flutter in the faces of millions as they gape in awe at your magnificence. But, there is only so much life in you. FACE IT. Soon, the light will begin to fade. Your walk will have less bounce. Things -- like that box cutter you're holding as your eyes dart desperately from it to the pulsating purple blood in your wrist -- will fumble out of your hands for absolutely no reason. The odd run to the bathroom in the middle of the night will become many RUNS to the bathroom as your prostate grows exponentially trying to break free from the prison of your anal canal.

Okay, I'm out of funny on that one...

So, without further ado, and because I have nothing better to share, here are some quotes I came up with that you, my fine delusional scribe, may consider using as daily affirmations in order that you may better cope with your dismal existence and the realization that (and I do hope for your sorry ass that that realization manifests itself as a sublime religious epiphany) the hours, days, weeks, months, and years you've spent creating your great American screenplay turns out to be just so much more drek:

"You will do foolish things, but do them with a stupid 'I didn't do that, did I?' look on your face."

"There is the risk that you cannot afford to take, and the risk that you cannot afford not to take, and the risk that you may need to be sedated."

"The center that I cannot find is known as the unconscious mind, or better, the warm, cosy glow I feel crashing on the couch to watch hours of Judge Judy that I recorded on my PVR ."

"All you need to do to receive guidance is to ask for it and then beat the shit out of the person who just gave it to you because YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!."

"Shoot for the moon! Even if you miss it you will be propelled into the black void of nothingness that separates the stars."

"You are lost the instant you know what the result will be, so why not self-medicate?"

"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a confused mind."

"Man is not free to refuse do the thing which gives him the most pleasure than any other conceivable action other than to bang his head against his keyboard and realize that he is a complete and utter failure as a screenwriter."

"It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often develop a maniacal laugh and spend your days in your underwear staring at that pile of dirty dishes in your sink."

One last thing... You have PLENTY of time on your hands, right? Come on, don't tell me you're not stuck in an Act 2 fugue that you swear will melt the neurons in your brain and cause them to leak out of your ears in the form of chunky green pus. So, why not take a break? Give those synapses a chance to cool down and use up another 5 minutes and 20 seconds of your precious meaningless existence by watching this...

Life Happens

2011-06-13T07:59:00.000-07:00

No, I have not been eaten by wolves and left to dry on the tundra in the form of hard, black droppings which will eventually petrify and then be discovered by a troop of scientists in some God-forsaken future who will then discard them while muttering, "Just some fucking screenwriter..." And, no, I have not come out of the closet and moved to Key West, although the thought has entered my mind now and again.

However, I have been very busy enjoying everything life has to offer, such as waking up in the morning and discovering that, indeed, I have not been eaten by wolves; that my body is whole and healthy and that, one day, if I continue along this thankless path, I can look forward to becoming petrified shit.

That being said, I have absolutely nothing of value to tell you, as usual. Instead, here are some examples of the best the Internet has to offer, culled from months of intense scrutiny, hour after hour of back-breaking, soul-losing, mind-putrefying, cross-dressing procrastination.

Okay! Jesus. I'm still stuck on Act 2, all right?

Now, go WRITE. For the love of God! You don't want to end up frozen in a state of perpetual nothingness reduced to a pile of wolf droppings that look like something but are really not that interesting. See? Because you wasted your valuable time reading blogs like this.

Men in Diapers...

2008-09-09T19:58:00.000-07:00

Yes, well. It's been a while. I know. Oh, how I know...

Boring Sunday. So I took my Kodak out for the annual men-in-diaper fest downtown.

Not sure how this would do on the "this is interesting and somewhat funny" scale, but I thought I'd share some of my favorites with you all. (Are you still out there, may I ask?)

Think about it. An entire town devotes one day out of the year to celebrate adult incontinence, specifically males afflicted with the malady. Isn't it just grand?

Oopsy. This last one was actually an Abu Ghraib photo from the notorious collection. For the life of me, I don't know how that slipped in.

Come back soon... Maybe... If you dare... When I'm totally bored out of my skull and have something to share. Which is not very often, I know. But isn't that what makes life so unpredictable and fun?

My Favorite Albums...

2007-03-04T19:07:00.000-08:00

No blog of this kind would be complete without the obligatory post of memorable album covers. Here are the best from my extensive collection.

Come take a walk with me down memory lane. Perhaps some of these will spark wonderful recollections about a time in your life when things were simpler, sweeter and, yes, happier.

Look there, on the left...isn't that the spot where you had your first kiss with Cindy behind the ice cream stand at the fair?

Let's take this flower lined path now...Oh, could it be? Yes! Your dad's 1979 Caprice Classic. The one you drove Mary-Lou to the prom with. What a car! What a prom! What a blow job!

And there's that song again...La...La...Dee...La... Oh that bittersweet melody... That pang in your heart... Ahhhh. Every time it plays, that same feeling comes over you again, doesn't it? Wasn't it wonderful?... The day your best buddy's mom, Mrs. Silvester, made you that cool, refreshing lemonade after you mowed her lawn. You, sweaty and hot from the sweltering heat of an August afternoon. Taut muscles throbbing with tension...bursting with youthful vigor...craving the soothing touch of a female hand... What a hand job!

Ok, now that I've got myself all worked up, let's move on to the album covers.

I don't often open my private collection to strangers. This stuff is personal. Very personal.

Enjoy if you must...

Now here's the deal: You guys show your appreciation by leaving a few comments and I'll post more of these gems. You ignore me, and you can fugeddaboutit.

My Top 50 Personality Disorders...

2007-02-15T04:20:00.000-08:00

We just got hit with 50 inches of snow, it's colder than the carcass of that pre-historic Mastodon they just dug up in the ice fields not far from here, and the kids can't go out to check the traps. So what the hell, let me edify you and face my demons with this list of psychological afflictions as diagnosed by my therapist last week.

Some of you may consider this entertainment, the sick ghouls among you. I think it's more a public service on my part. This is what happens when you don't (or CAN'T) fulfill your dreams of screenwriting stardom and are reduced to selling derivatives, futures and plaster gnomes from your home office.

In no particular order other than which malady is manifesting itself most strongly this morning, we start at #1 -- 50 being the most serious and debilitating...it's also a pain to count down and keep track.

1. Histrionic personality disorder: Involves a pattern of excessive emotional expression and attention-seeking, including an excessive need for approval and inappropriate seductiveness, that usually begins in early adulthood or when writing self-absorbed blogs.

2. Expressive language disorder: Characterised by having a limited vocabulary and grasp of reality.

3. Dyspareunia: Painful sexual intercourse due to medical or psychological causes. The term is used almost exclusively in women, although the problem may occur in screenwriters. The causes are often reversible, even when long-standing, but self-perpetuating pain is a factor after terminating the screenwriting process.

4. Exhibitionism: The psychological need and pattern of behavior to exhibit naked parts of the body to other people.

5. Generalized anxiety disorder: Characterized by excessive and uncontrollable worry about everyday things and picking the right case on Deal Or No Deal.

6. Primary hypersomnia: Characterized by recurrent episodes of excessive daytime sleepiness or prolonged nighttime sleep when interrupted by naps.

7. Frotteurism: Involves rubbing against another person to achieve sexual arousal or even orgasm, discreetly without being discovered, typically in a public place such as a crowded train or the local offices of The Writers Guild of Canada.

8. Retts disorder: The clinical features include a deceleration of the rate of head growth and small hands, feet and penis in children and screenwriters over 40. Stereotypic, repetitive hand movements such as mouthing, wringing and giving the "finger" are also noted. Screenwriters with Rett syndrome are very prone to gastrointestinal disorders and about 99% have seizures. They typically have no verbal or writing skills, and about 50% are quasi-vegetative. Constipation, frothing mouth, excessive ear wax secretion, nose-bleeds, slow-trickle urination and oculary tumors are very common and can be problematic.

9. Seasonal affective disorder (SAD): Also known as Winter Depression or Pre-Wrist-Slashing Syndrome. Most SAD sufferers experience depressive symptoms in the winter, summer, spring and fall, especially when dealing with second acts if they are screenwriters. SAD is rare, if existent at all, in the Los Angeles area, but is measurably present in the North East, most particularly in Newfoundland.

10. Tourette syndrome (Fuck it, no longer active...shit-piss-cock-Scarlett Johannson!)

11. Vaginismus: A condition which affects a woman's ability to engage in any form of vaginal penetration, including sexual penetration, insertion of tampons, and the penetration involved in gynecological examinations. And yes, I'm a man. Go figure.

12. Shared psychotic disorder: This syndrome is most commonly diagnosed when the two or more individuals concerned live in close proximity and may be socially or physically isolated and have little interaction with other people such as my wife and I.

13. Stereotypic movement disorder: Involves repetitive, nonfunctional motor behavior (e.g., hand waving or head banging against a computer), that markedly interferes with normal activities or results in bodily injury, and persists for four weeks or longer if dealing with second acts in a screenplay.

14. Self-defeating personality disorder: A pervasive pattern of self-defeating behavior, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts including the profession of screenwriter. The sufferer incites angry or rejecting responses (also known as rejection slips) from others and then feels hurt, defeated, humiliated or suicidal.

15. Pica: Abnormal appetite for soil and other non-foods such as coal, chalk, paper, Twinkies. etc.

16. Primary, Secondary, Situational and Random Anorgasmia: A condition where one cannot physically orgasm while masturbating to pictures of Scarlett Johansson.

17. Dyscalculia (Mathematics disorder):
- Frequent difficulties with arithmetic, confusing the signs: +, -, ÷ and x.
- Inability to tell which of two numbers is the larger.
- Problems differentiating between left and right, up and down, inside and out.
- Difficulty keeping score during football games -- Wait a minute! That's not a disorder!
- The condition may lead in extreme cases to a phobia of mathematics, mathematical devices, screenwriting software and Charlie Sheen.

18. Munchausen syndrome: Feigning disease, illness, or psychological trauma to draw attention or sympathy to oneself in order to get a job on the next Terry Gilliam film.

19. Narcolepsy: An episodic condition featuring loss of muscle function, ranging from slight weakness (such as limpness at the neck or knees, sagging facial muscles, or inability to speak clearly) to complete body collapse and loss of sphincter control.

20. Hysteria: A diagnostic label applied to a state of mind, one of unmanageable fear, dread, horror or any number of emotional excesses. The fear is often centered on a body part, most often on an imagined problem with that body part (the penis, for example). People who are "hysterical" often lose self-control due to the overwhelming fear involved with living.

21. Post-traumatic stress disorder: The consequence of exposure to, or confrontation with stressful experiences that the person experiences as highly traumatic -- such as writing this blog.

22. Schizoaffective disorder: Describing a situation where both the symptoms of mood disorder and psychosis are present. The disorder usually begins in early adulthood, and is more common in screenwriters.

23. Transient tic disorder: Consists of multiple motor and/or phonic tics with a duration of at least 4 weeks. However, add two weeks for every day the sufferer spends in front of a computer writing screenplays.

Switching over to some of my phobias for the next few:

24. Anthropomorphobia: The fear or hate of acknowledging in non-humans qualities we wish to consider only human. Much like my groundhog friend, Nestor, who I plan to trap one day and feed his intestines to my dogs.

25. Emetophobia: The irrational fear of vomiting or of being around others who are vomiting, especially when reading one of my screenplays.

26. Gymnophobia: Fear or anxiety about being seen naked and/or about seeing others naked, even in situations where it is socially acceptable. Not a problem in a sauna with Scarlett Johansson.

27. Paraskavedekatriaphobia: The fear of Friday the 13th. Not the date, the movies.

28. Taphophobia: The fear of being placed in a grave while still alive as a result of being incorrectly pronounced dead; usually attributable to long sessions in front of a computer screenwriting.

29. Trypanophobia: The extreme and irrational fear of medical procedures involving injections or hypodermic needles to the tip on one's penis.

30. Osmophobia: Fear, aversion, or psychological hypersensitivity to smells or odors. Do I have to funny that up?

31. Lalophobia: The irrational fear of speaking or of trying to speak. Also known as Selective Mutism or Total Mutism. The disorder is often manifested by writing incomprehensible, unstructured screenplays with vapid characters and stilted dialogue.

Back to the disorders...

32. Premature ejaculation: Also known as rapid ejaculation, premature climax, early ejaculation, "Oh fuck, sorry honey", or by the Latin term ejaculatio-by-proxy, is the most common sexual problem in men, affecting 98%-99% of screenwriters (if not more!). It is characterized by a lack of voluntary control over ejaculation. Masters and Johnson (he-he) stated that a man suffers from premature ejaculation if he ejaculates before his partner achieves orgasm or before reading the first sentence of the new Danielle Steel novel in more than ninety percent of his sexual encounters. Other sex researchers have defined premature ejaculation as occurring if the man ejaculates within thirty seconds or less of penetration or by the time his partner reads the second sentence of that Danielle Steel novel. However, a survey by Alfred Kinsey in the 1950s demonstrated that three quarters of screenwriters ejaculated within five seconds of penetration in almost all their sexual encounters with Mexican hookers when not suffering from erectile dysfunction.

33. Joubert syndrome: Characterized by the absence or underdevelopment of a part of the brain called the cerebellar vermis and the malformed brain stem directly responsible for parentheticals (wrylys) in screenplays.

34. Dissociative fugue: Widely understood to have its conception in a long-term life event (such as a traumatic childhood or persistent pain-inducing activities such as screenwriting), where sufficient time is given for alternate personality representations to form and take hold. Sudden neurological damage would also seem to fit more closely the onset of a fugue state as happened to me when I got my head caught in the wine press.

35. Folie à deux: (or "a madness shared by two") A rare psychiatric syndrome in which a symptom of psychosis (particularly a paranoid or delusional belief) is transmitted from one individual to another. Much like what I'm doing to you by reading my blog.

36. Geografikosphobia: Fear of maps, especially the terrifying experience of falling through thousands of miles of space when you use Google Earth and zoom into your hometown!

37. Narcissistic personality disorder: Characterized by extreme focus on oneself, and is a maladaptive, rigid, and persistent condition that may cause significant distress and functional impairment to the penis .

38. Reading disorder: Poor recognition of the written word, many mistakes in oral reading,
very poor comprehension of what has been read, very slow bowel movements (or was that "vowel")

39. Paranoid personality disorder: (also known as Russell Crowe Syndrome) characterized by an exaggerated sensitivity to rejection, resentfulness, distrust, as well as the inclination to distort experienced events such as my child's First Communion.

40. Sleep terror disorder: Characterized by extreme terror and a temporary inability to regain full consciousness while at the computer writing motion picture screenplays.

41. Rumination disorder: Bringing up partially digested food and rechewing it before swallowing it or spitting it out.

42. Intermittent explosive disorder: Characterized by explosive outbursts of behaviour (throwing, breaking things, inflicting physical harm on others) that is disproportional to the provocation usually induced by a phone call from my agent telling me he's dropping me.

43. Pervasive Developmental Disorder: Characterized by delays in the development of multiple basic functions including socialization, communication and breathing.

44. Schizophreniform disorder: Delusions, hallucinations, disorganized speech, disorganized or catatonic behavior, and negative symptoms directly attributable to the process of screenwriting.

45. Separation anxiety disorder: Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to sleep without being near a major attachment figure, like my mother.

Let me finish off with a few more phobias that have just come to mind...

46. Mysophobia: fear of charities, or giving money to that hobo I ended up dousing with kerosene and setting on fire.

47. Tokophobia: Fear of childbirth. Really.

48. Ergasiophobia: Fear of work, better known as procrastination syndrome!

49. Genophobia: Fear of sexual intercourse.

50. Coulrophobia: Fear of clowns.

I'm sure many of you screenwriters can relate to this list as the vocation does have its occupational hazards.

But there is hope!

I've been reassured by that therapist that many of these afflictions disappear when you get that first fat option check. Unfortunately for me, that doesn't look like it's going to happen anytime soon -- thus the medication and therapy sessions four times a week. On the other hand, imagine all the great stories and characters you can create from this treasure trove of pain, anger and self-loathing!

By the way, if you're wondering where the 19 "other things you don't want to know about me" from my previous post are, come on. Don't you think the above covers it pretty nicely?

Now go write and take your Haloperidol!

50 THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT ME...

2007-02-11T13:37:00.000-08:00

Checking around the blabosphere, I noticed certain screenwriters have posted quaint lists about themselves for lack of anything important to say.

Most are quite mundane, some maudlin, others plain trash.

Finally, those 50 things I read on these blogs were a complete waste of time -- self-absorbed nonsense from people who don't matter and NEVER WILL.

And in my endless quest to facilitate procrastination among the online screenwriting community, here's my list...

Proceed with caution. Here there be tygers...

50. My father was an interrogator for the STASI. His favorite method of "persuasion" was forcing his suspects to watch hours of Gentle Ben while having them lie down in a vat of month-old ricotta cheese. My father was not Czech. He was Italian.

49. I once French-kissed Valerie Perine. She wore dentures. I threw up in her face.

48. My favorite sexual position is the "sloth". I throw red ants on my wife and use the end of a vacuum cleaner hose to suck them up. I wear an oral condom when I do this. Then I spit out the ants and crush them with my bare feet. The orgasm is STUPENDOUS!

47. I had Tourettes when I was 9. But I didn't use foul language. My affliction consisted of blurting out the elements from the Periodic Table at the most inopportune times. Like sitting in a barber's chair, "Gee, Mr. Tony, you think Ununtrium! you can cut my Scandium! hair just like John Bohrium! Lennon's." The malady suddenly and miraculously disappeared when I reached puberty.

46. This is going to be long. 46 more to go... I have a fantasy that one day I'll be rich beyond my wildest dreams and on that day, I will visit everyone who's ever done me wrong and give them each $10,000 because if they hadn't traumatized me with their bullying and insults when I was a kid, I wouldn't have become the ruthless SOB I became and amassed my millions. Thank you all from my heart!

45. My three children do not go to school. They are taught by my wife at home. My plans for them are that one should become an embalmer, the other a proctologist and the last a soothsayer. Why you ask? There are never enough of them in the world, fools!

44. I am Morkfurd, King of Lower Albania. I command you to kneel before my greatness and give me your Pez dispensers! I collect them.

43. When I was in college, my fraternity dared me to wash every window on the Empire State Building in the NUDE. I made it to the 31st floor when the NYPD cut my rappelling rope. I landed in their safety net but my testicles were crushed. Spent three weeks in intensive care and came out a new man. Do I have an imagination or what?

42. Thinking up 50 things about myself makes my liver hurt.

41. It's no secret I'm obsessed with Steeve Reeves. What you didn't know is that when he was alive he used to STALK ME! Now let me qualify that. He wasn't exactly the Steeve Reeves we all loved. The poor man had half his brain amputated after a terrible accident involving barbells and Oil of Olay. He thought he was stalking Mammie Van Duren!

40. I sit on the toilet when I pee. However, No. 2 is always performed standing. My anus is elongated because of a golfing accident.

39. I once shared a first class cabin with Idi Amin Dada. It was a lovely flight! Chateau Margot was served with my meal of Souffle De Montigny with Pearls of Yeast. Idi preferred white with his Brain of Boy in Raspberry sauce.

38. My favorite film is Bridge on the River Kwai. Can't get enough of David Bowie in that! Such a fine actor.

37. My second favorite film is Pope of Greenwich Village. Eric Roberts getting his nose slashed open by Roman Polanski is priceless! You like, kitty-kat?

36. I had a crush on my high school chemistry teacher Miss Liberatadre. She always wore these really tight leather skirts. She had olive skin that made my Johnson almost bust my zipper open. And when she bent over to pick up a chalk or something, I almost couldn't contain my sexual desire. One day I fucked her in the ass just like that...in front of the entire class...that's exactly how it happened.

35. My English teacher on the other hand, Mr. Teashole, wore the same suit for 4 years, every freaking day. It got so putrid, he could hardly move in it from the caked on chili sauce and drool. Me, Julio and Frank finally doused him with kerosene and set him on fire. We blamed Ricky Bonprosciuto for it. He's doing 30 to life and has found God. Fuck him, he was a dick anyway.

34. I had a dream once that I made love to an alligator. Best sex I ever had!

33. I once went skiing with Lee Majors, the Bionic Man for you youngsters out there. I never skied before in my life. When he found out, he congratulated me for being so brave and spit in my face because I lied to him when I said I was part of the Italian Ski Team.

32. Life in Newfoundland does get boring at times. For fun, my family and I go seal hunting on the ice. People! You gotta get out and experience nature or you're just half-human.

31. My favorite time of year is Spring when I go out with my metal detector and find coins in the melting snow at the city collection site. I once found Ed Asner under a slab of ice.

30. Fuck this, man. My life isn't interesting enough to come up with 50 things!

29. Ok, a couple more.

28. I was held up at gunpoint once. Really!

27. The guy who robbed me got wasted by the police a couple weeks later in a shootout. Really!

26. My car was stolen once in front of my insurance agent's office. I can't make this stuff up!

25. My wife is allergic to sperm.

24. I lost my virginity to my chemistry teacher. The second time I lost it was on Spring Break in Tijuana. Cost me 20 bucks.

23. When I sleep I wear an orthopedic back harness suspended from the ceiling. It comes in handy when the kids are out at the movies and the wife and I are alone.

22. I have had intimate relations with Mae West when she was in her 90s. It was always anal. You can imagine why.

21. I prefer Easter to Christmas. Where I come from in Italy, that time of year is known as "The Agony of The Christ". Old man Gambamorte drags a cross through town while the kids stone him. And we don't exchange gifts at Christmas. The adults give the youngsters spicy capicollo and have fun watching us trying to pick the fat out of our teeth.

20. The time has come for me to say goodbye. All this reminiscing has made the old wounds raw once again and I need to see my therapist. NOW! You people are nuts writing this garbage down. Can't you let the past be the past? Do you have to force us weaker ones to emulate you and then have us melt into putrid puddles of humanity? Fuck, this is painful!

If I think of the other 19 things, I'll get back to you pronto!

NADA

2006-07-21T21:43:00.000-07:00

I have nothing new to say at this time and don't expect anything new till this beautiful summer is over.

I know you're reading this because my stat counter is still clicking away.

Oh, alright. If you insist. Here are some interesting things I found surfing the Net.

Please do enjoy as you waste valuable life minutes looking at these...

Happy, Olaf? Sorry I forgot. You're dead once again.

That Which Sounds The Bell...

2006-05-29T17:10:00.000-07:00

The above gibberish is what the Web translator, AltaVista Babel Fish, spewed out after I took, "For Whom the Bell Tolls" translated it into French, then into German, back to French and finally back into English.

Here are some famous movie quotes in no particular order. See if you can recognize them.

Answers at the end...maybe...if I'm in a good mood and you leave lots of comments.

1. My, I hardly ensure myself frankly expensive.
2. Attach your safety belts. This one will be one night unequal.
3. They do not include understand! Coulda I had the class. Coulda I which a candidate is been. Could've I summers of somebody instead of a person without shelter which is that I am.
4. A customer of account has in tries to examine the past me. I ate his liver with some avabohnen and Chianti pleasant.
5. Naw, too easy. Let's go to Chinese first... "Without the place likely house" -- that's more like it.
6. The life the mom was always like a case chocolates. They never know what to receive you go.
7. "day" what one calls "good" with my boy friend!
8. From whole Wacholder which is connected in all the cities in each one, it goes my.
9. Vista, baby of Hasta.
10. It of Soylent is green the people!
11. Martini. Agitated not to move.
12. You cannot fight here inside the Messrs! It is the hall of war!
13. Because the god is not my witness, me the hunger will never have still.
14. During one morning I drew an elephant in that from my pyjamas. Like it received that in my pyjamas, I do not know.
15. They cannot whistle you of Steve? They go up to blow your lips just and.
16. High circle usual suspects.
17. Go makes there my day.
18. I will make him a proposal which it cannot disallow.
19. I want the odor of Napalms of the mornings.
20. The love means that having to never see betruest do not say to you are deep.

Believe it or not, that took me almost an hour. Exhausting! I'll have to speak to my therapist about this. I'm always more agitated after I work on a post and I really don't see the therapeutic value in it as he claims. I do have to say, however, that some of the results did produce a giggle or two. I hope it does the same for you, and if it doesn't, "Take large, the great personnel and support on to the top of your afters!"

If you didn't figure out the translations, here are the original quotes.
Give yourself one point for every right answer and deduct 35 to the power of 3 for every wrong one. And if you don't feel like doing the math, "Take a big, fat stick and shove it up your anus!"

1. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
2. Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night.
3. You don't understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am.
4. A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
5. There's no place like home.
6. Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
7. Say "hello" to my little friend!
8. Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.
9. Hasta la vista, baby.
10. Soylent Green is people!
11. A martini. Shaken, not stirred.
12. Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!
13. As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again.
14. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.
15. You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow.
16. Round up the usual suspects.
17. Go ahead, make my day.
18. I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse.
19. I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
20. Love means never having to say you're sorry.

It's over...

2006-05-12T12:47:00.000-07:00

It's over before it even began.

I'm shutting down the blog as soon as I get up the nerve to delete it.

Don't even think about trying to convince me otherwise.

OK?

Nothing's going to convince to continue this utter waste of time.

I don't even want to hear it...

Hello?...Hel-lo-ho? Anybody out there?

Ok, so I won't be missed. Fine.

I can handle it.

You people think I care?

You think I give a damn if I throw a blog party and nobody comes?

Well, I don't!

And if you want to know the truth, as if you didn't figure it out already...

I AM A FAILED SCREENWRITER!

There, I said it! I've been trying to sell my scripts for years and all I ever got back were rejection slips. More often than not, I got NOTHING.

LOUSY PRICKS!

Anyway, this blogging thing bores me. You ALL bore me with your whining and complaining and your delusional ideas that one day you'll get produced.

You spend money on script contests and the only people getting RICH off it are the contests! You honestly think anybody reads your material?

They're after the 50 bucks, BOZOS!

I'll say it for you, FUCK YOU, ENZIO! There, happy?

Who needs a scumbag, dick-head like YOU to point out to US that we are all FAILURES with nothing better to do than put our uninteresting and stupid thoughts on a blog! We already know it! We don't acknowledge it because we're too chicken shit to admit we wasted the best years of our lives chasing a dream that condemned us to failure before we even started!

We're in this broken-hearts club encouraging each other when we all know we're LOSERS!

Misery does love company and you all deserve each other.

Hurts to hear the TRUTH, huh? Well, I faced the truth long ago and I'm not ashamed to admit that I got out of this rat-piss race LONG AGO before I lost my youth and my mind.

Ok, the mind maybe I misplaced somewhere, but I've done a lot of living instead of sitting in front of my computer masturbating my brain.

Go on, continue the circle-jerk with your half-assed musings and pitiful lamenting. I couldn't give a FLYING SHIT because I'm not LIKE YOU. I rescued myself from the pit of desperation and futility and I NEVER looked BACK...

While I'm at it, here are a few mementos from my personal life.

Please do enjoy!

A little accident at the guest house.

Got to keep the boys away from those White Supremacist websites.

A close personal friend, Michael Berryman comes over to the spread when the rabbit population gets out of control and uses his exceptional head to burrow into their tunnels.

The kids during our annual Deliverance Theme Day where we all get together to strum our banjos and play

"WHO CAN SQUEAL LIKE A PIG?"

Strange, I found this mug shot of Andre The Giant in my son Anthony's wallet.

I hope it doesn't mean what I think it means! I really should hide all these muscle builder photos I have lying around the office.

Wouldn't want him to become obsessed with it!

What a lovely weekend we had when Moammar Gadhafi came to visit. A real laugh riot! I caught him coming out of the shower in this photo. Can you believe the look of surprise on this guy's face?

He said something like, "Morfakar! Habibi! Blaf grag spritz blorf strup ptuwi!"

Which I think is Arab for, "Go fuck yourself, Enzio Pesta!"

If you're wondering about the mics, I have a recording studio just off the master bathroom where I record my weekly public radio program,

"Who's Your Despot?!"

Another candid shot of Mommi enjoying our rendition of Rhapsody in Blue on our banjos. Those reflections in his sunglasses are totally spooky, aren't they? Maybe I should try selling this photo to some religious fanatics and tell them it's a miracle or something.

Fuck me! Look at what else I found in Anthony's wallet!

Please, tell me what it all means!

I don't want to even think about it.

You know what? Maybe I'll keep the blog going just a little bit longer.

I realize I have so much shit in my collection that no one ever gets to see and this is the perfect place to display it.

I think I'll ask my therapist if he can swing a quick electrical charge through the brain on the next visit.

I really have no idea why I'm doing this blog thing.

I'll say it again because I know you love hearing it...

FUCK YOU, ENZIO PESTA!

Ok, already!

2006-05-08T13:29:00.000-07:00

The pressure to put something new up on the blog has been so intense that I am forced to go to press with some out-takes from my last post on Steve Reeves.

You brought this upon yourselves.

And I must apologize if this is not up to par with my usually brilliant musings , but Olaf, The Harry Houdini of the Scribosphere, gave me no choice.

Any Steve Reeves fan will tell you that this one-of-a-kind photo of the legendary body builder shortly after his disastrous gender-reassignment operation is priceless.

It was only by some miracle that the doctors were able to reverse it!

The photo came into my possession through an irreputable Turkish fine art dealer, a collector of 19th century gynecological instruments and obscure memorabilia of famous people who have undergone the procedure.

Some of the more noteable luminaries he has in his collection:

Prince Charles after he became Camilla Parker Bowles, Jay Leno previously known as Rosita Alonsa de Montoya y Pérez de las Altas Maricón por Favor from Tijuana, Bebe Doc Duvalier who became Catherine Deneuve, Roman Polanski now going by the name of Audrey Tautou, and Tom Hanks who co-stars with her in the upcoming blockbuster, Da DaVinci Ting. No, he has not had a sex change operation and what's up with the hair, Tom?

Perhaps the logo over the Mr. Olympia is too small to read. It says, "The Arnold Schwarznegger Italian Fan Club" of which I am the founder and director. If you're interested in joining, just email me through the blog and I will ignore your request. I have nothing else to add to this caption other than to acknowledge, yes, this is getting old.

More Reeves trivia: Did you know Steve supplemented his income as a chiropractor? The above treatment known as the "Thorax Aligner", which he pioneered, gained him fame during the 1968 Chiropractors Convention in Reykjavik. The man pictured in the photo receiving Steve's delicate attention is no other than Stephen Hawking before his affliction turned him into a mollusk.

This photo of Lou Ferrigno needs no caption.

This is what happens when you leave your Joe Weider protein supplement lying around the house.

Gluteus, pictured above, was left alone for the weekend and feasted on Steve's 50 gallon jar of Mega Mass 4000 which he carelessly left open.

Sadly, this is the result of Steve's attempt to save his trusted feline friend after he administered several MeltRx 24 Ultra diet pills perscribed by the vet.

For the love of God! Please keep your muscle builders under lock and key so your pet doesn't suffer the same fate!

It seems posting pictures of the family has become a tradition on this blog.

Hundreds of emails (mostly suggesting that I discharge both barrels of a Beretta Silver Hawk model 471 EL shotgun into my mouth) attest to the fact that people would rather see photos of blonde lesbians in the throes of unbridled sexual passion, but I will leave that task to Vince DC who seems to have become quite the Scribosphere legend with his effective use of the practice.

Anyway, that will have to wait till next time.

I seem to have overloaded the Blogger servers as they are not allowing me to upload any more images.

Fuck them.

I'm tired anyway and this whole blogging experiment is taxing my nerves.

More when I get around to it.

Now let me see some comments!

STEVE REEVES: Film God

2006-04-28T10:48:00.000-07:00

I'll have you know that the following took much time and effort. Certainly more than deserved for the mission I have so foolishly undertaken.

I am somewhat surprised by the amount of traffic this blog has generated in its short life. I say "somewhat" because I am certainly not surprised that such a group of gullible, misguided johnny-come-latelys could be so easily duped into coming here and showing how truly delusional they are by their very presence. Why, they're even foolhardy enough to leave traces of their visit with comments!

Enough of this.

On with my tribute to STEVE REEVES: My inspiration and spiritual guide through this lacklustre existence some people call a life.

From my private collection.

The poster reads, "Steve Reeves: Hercules of Yesterday -- A Legend"

(Is there a famous Hercules in modern times I may not know about?)

"Let me open that jar of fruit jam for you, ma'am."

"Yes, ladies, it's true what they say about me."

(Tell me how I'm doing with the funny captions. New at this.)

"I will kill 10000 barbarians with this yo-yo and they will call me GOLIATH!"

Steve tried to convince the ladies in France to shave their armpits but failed miserably.

George Lucas was not the first Hollywood mogul to market action figures.

Move over James Cameron! Truly on top of the world!

No relation.

Diana Reeves, however, is his illegitimate daughter from his housemaid, Mammy.

Unfortunately, two COLOSSAL flops.

Steve in an early Mack Sennett short "Superman Joins the Navy".

A light moment with Adolf Hitler, Leni Riefenstahl and George Gobel, propaganda minister, during the filming of "Triumph auf der Uber Schwein"

Lou Ferrigno playing Steve in the hit TV biopic:

"Steve Reeves, Man of Many Veins".

One of my most cherished photographs.

Lou with Steve shortly before his death.

Rare poster of Steve in the Ed Wood classic.

Little known fact: Wood decided to go on with the production by putting Steve in a mummy getup after the star's near-fatal accident involving body oil and roman candles which almost cost him his face.

Sorry, couldn't resist posting this. My kids having fun with some photos of aspiring screenwriters they found on the Web.

And finally, this is me in the workout room still trying very hard to emulate my hero. I CAN pick up 200 kilos with my pinkies.

Blogging is an exhausting passtime I must say.

A First...

2006-04-27T06:00:00.000-07:00

I suppose now I have to write about my day or my feelings and what not so this blog looks like something someone would want to read.

All right then. I woke up and had my breakfast: Kellog's Special K with spring raspberries from the garden. I read my Wall Street Journal while I sipped my cappuccino made on my very own Elektra (commercial grade) espresso machine. You know, the one with the eagle on top of the brass dome.

Then I kissed my wife and kids goodbye. I wished her luck with the home tutoring and stepped onto my porch where I shot several quail who were nesting in the rose bushes nearby.

I drove my BMW X5 SAV to the office, sat in front of my computer and wrote this nonsense.

Blogging is a sad thing indeed.

Name Genesis

2006-04-26T14:18:00.000-07:00

For those of you who want to know, the pseudonym comes from this 60s show.

Not from Albania, as some people would like you to believe.