50 THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT ME...

Checking around the blabosphere, I noticed certain screenwriters have posted quaint lists about themselves for lack of anything important to say.

Most are quite mundane, some maudlin, others plain trash.

Finally, those 50 things I read on these blogs were a complete waste of time -- self-absorbed nonsense from people who don't matter and NEVER WILL.

And in my endless quest to facilitate procrastination among the online screenwriting community, here's my list...

Proceed with caution. Here there be tygers...

50. My father was an interrogator for the STASI. His favorite method of "persuasion" was forcing his suspects to watch hours of Gentle Ben while having them lie down in a vat of month-old ricotta cheese. My father was not Czech. He was Italian.

49. I once French-kissed Valerie Perine. She wore dentures. I threw up in her face.

48. My favorite sexual position is the "sloth". I throw red ants on my wife and use the end of a vacuum cleaner hose to suck them up. I wear an oral condom when I do this. Then I spit out the ants and crush them with my bare feet. The orgasm is STUPENDOUS!

47. I had Tourettes when I was 9. But I didn't use foul language. My affliction consisted of blurting out the elements from the Periodic Table at the most inopportune times. Like sitting in a barber's chair, "Gee, Mr. Tony, you think Ununtrium! you can cut my Scandium! hair just like John Bohrium! Lennon's." The malady suddenly and miraculously disappeared when I reached puberty.

46. This is going to be long. 46 more to go... I have a fantasy that one day I'll be rich beyond my wildest dreams and on that day, I will visit everyone who's ever done me wrong and give them each $10,000 because if they hadn't traumatized me with their bullying and insults when I was a kid, I wouldn't have become the ruthless SOB I became and amassed my millions. Thank you all from my heart!

45. My three children do not go to school. They are taught by my wife at home. My plans for them are that one should become an embalmer, the other a proctologist and the last a soothsayer. Why you ask? There are never enough of them in the world, fools!

44. I am Morkfurd, King of Lower Albania. I command you to kneel before my greatness and give me your Pez dispensers! I collect them.

43. When I was in college, my fraternity dared me to wash every window on the Empire State Building in the NUDE. I made it to the 31st floor when the NYPD cut my rappelling rope. I landed in their safety net but my testicles were crushed. Spent three weeks in intensive care and came out a new man. Do I have an imagination or what?

42. Thinking up 50 things about myself makes my liver hurt.

41. It's no secret I'm obsessed with Steeve Reeves. What you didn't know is that when he was alive he used to STALK ME! Now let me qualify that. He wasn't exactly the Steeve Reeves we all loved. The poor man had half his brain amputated after a terrible accident involving barbells and Oil of Olay. He thought he was stalking Mammie Van Duren!

40. I sit on the toilet when I pee. However, No. 2 is always performed standing. My anus is elongated because of a golfing accident.

39. I once shared a first class cabin with Idi Amin Dada. It was a lovely flight! Chateau Margot was served with my meal of Souffle De Montigny with Pearls of Yeast. Idi preferred white with his Brain of Boy in Raspberry sauce.

38. My favorite film is Bridge on the River Kwai. Can't get enough of David Bowie in that! Such a fine actor.

37. My second favorite film is Pope of Greenwich Village. Eric Roberts getting his nose slashed open by Roman Polanski is priceless! You like, kitty-kat?

36. I had a crush on my high school chemistry teacher Miss Liberatadre. She always wore these really tight leather skirts. She had olive skin that made my Johnson almost bust my zipper open. And when she bent over to pick up a chalk or something, I almost couldn't contain my sexual desire. One day I fucked her in the ass just like that...in front of the entire class...that's exactly how it happened.

35. My English teacher on the other hand, Mr. Teashole, wore the same suit for 4 years, every freaking day. It got so putrid, he could hardly move in it from the caked on chili sauce and drool. Me, Julio and Frank finally doused him with kerosene and set him on fire. We blamed Ricky Bonprosciuto for it. He's doing 30 to life and has found God. Fuck him, he was a dick anyway.

34. I had a dream once that I made love to an alligator. Best sex I ever had!

33. I once went skiing with Lee Majors, the Bionic Man for you youngsters out there. I never skied before in my life. When he found out, he congratulated me for being so brave and spit in my face because I lied to him when I said I was part of the Italian Ski Team.

32. Life in Newfoundland does get boring at times. For fun, my family and I go seal hunting on the ice. People! You gotta get out and experience nature or you're just half-human.

31. My favorite time of year is Spring when I go out with my metal detector and find coins in the melting snow at the city collection site. I once found Ed Asner under a slab of ice.

30. Fuck this, man. My life isn't interesting enough to come up with 50 things!

29. Ok, a couple more.

28. I was held up at gunpoint once. Really!

27. The guy who robbed me got wasted by the police a couple weeks later in a shootout. Really!

26. My car was stolen once in front of my insurance agent's office. I can't make this stuff up!

25. My wife is allergic to sperm.

24. I lost my virginity to my chemistry teacher. The second time I lost it was on Spring Break in Tijuana. Cost me 20 bucks.

23. When I sleep I wear an orthopedic back harness suspended from the ceiling. It comes in handy when the kids are out at the movies and the wife and I are alone.

22. I have had intimate relations with Mae West when she was in her 90s. It was always anal. You can imagine why.

21. I prefer Easter to Christmas. Where I come from in Italy, that time of year is known as "The Agony of The Christ". Old man Gambamorte drags a cross through town while the kids stone him. And we don't exchange gifts at Christmas. The adults give the youngsters spicy capicollo and have fun watching us trying to pick the fat out of our teeth.

20. The time has come for me to say goodbye. All this reminiscing has made the old wounds raw once again and I need to see my therapist. NOW! You people are nuts writing this garbage down. Can't you let the past be the past? Do you have to force us weaker ones to emulate you and then have us melt into putrid puddles of humanity? Fuck, this is painful!

If I think of the other 19 things, I'll get back to you pronto!